Random Thoughts From A Frustrated/Prepared Man

Becoming the man I want to be has no end. It is a constant, ever-changing miracle that I'm never quite prepared for. Sometime it's like a broken record, skipping without end. Other times it's a smack to the face when I was prepared for a punch to the stomach. There are answers that float like a feather...gently gliding into my hands. There are answers that dangle just out of my reach like a kite that's broken loose from it's string. You can chase it all you want but you still have to wait until the wind dies down. I'm waiting for the wind to die down.

What's with all the metaphors and brooding emo-talk? Nothing. Things are okay...kinda. One things for sure, I'm not holding my emotions in. Anyone who knows me knows I can't shut up for more than 5 minutes at a time especially when my heart is broken. Right now I talk about the things that are consuming my life ad nauseam. It's to the point where it's almost detrimental to my mental and physical health.

I know I'm alright because I'm waking up every morning and I get to live another day. I know all this stuff will pass. It's going to take longer than I thought, but it will not stop me from finishing my projects. I just take them one day at a time. One project at a time. One moment at a time. Life may throw rocks at me, but in the words of one of my favorite pro wrestlers"Rowdy" Roddy Piper:

"YOU DO NOT THROW ROCKS AT A MAN WHO'S GOT A MACHINE GUN!"

I am scared, but I am ready for whatever comes my way in every facet of my life

Peaceful Things,

Josh

A Happy Post

Due to the outpouring of concern and love over the past few weeks, it's my goal to focus this blog post on the positive things that are going on amid the chaos of Joshland right now. I won't B.S. you and say things are just fine because they aren't, but I will say they are getting better and here are some of the reasons why:

• My allergies and asthma are killing me right now and that affects all aspects of my CF care too. I believe that the bizarre weather has had a lot to do with my troubles. My lungs need at least a week or more to adjust to a new climate and when there is snow on April 27th and then sticky humidity on May 10th, it makes them angry. The docs and I are working on a plan to alleviate some of these symptoms and I'm happy to say that there have been spans of great relief for the first time in months. It isn't perfect, but it's a start and I'm sure we'll get a handle on this thing sooner than later.

• While I couldn't cut my grass this weekend(thank you allergies and asthma), I did get the push lawnmower ready for the day so Carly could fly through it. For some reason a freshly mowed and somewhat cleaned up yard makes me happy. It's the little things like being a responsible homeowner that give me peace of mind.

• I've been walking the dogs a lot more lately which makes us all very happy. They were SO BORED and inactive this winter/spring thanks to the weather that they got a little out of shape, so the exercise was good for everyone...including me. It's been a very peaceful part of my day and I'm thankful for those moments of serenity.

• My wife is amazing. My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. I am blessed.

• My goddaughter says my name all the time now...even when I'm not there. Jossssssssssssssh. When my wife and I see her, she runs to me and asks me to hold her. It makes me smile and tear up a little.

• I've enjoyed cutting back on my computer time. I suggest you try it too. It's done wonders for my mood.

• I recently received a wonderful thank you packet from a phenomenal group of young adults that I spoke to this past February. We had an open discussion about living a positive life and doing the best you can with what you are given. Giving hope to others is my passion and when I get positive feedback like that from the attendants it let's me know I'm doing something right with my life. Thank you to my wonderful new friends I met at Student Connection Day. You have a special place in Joshland. :-)

• My dad is walking the path with cancer and I am proud of him. Sometimes I get frustrated and angry with him, but overall I have to say he has handled everything as well as he can. Love you, Pop. Thank you to everyone for your caring thoughts and comments. They mean a lot.

• My heart is broken from the terrible run of lost lives in the CF Community this week. I resolve to keep fighting for all of my kindred spirits. Peaceful thoughts and lots of love go out to all who passed away this week and those who are mourning their loss.

• I was asked by the Blooming Rose Foundation to be a part of an OUTSTANDING panel of professionals in the CF Community along with some of my fellow CFers who stand out as great role models to our population. I'll be writing a more in-depth blog post about this program very soon, but for now please click on the link below to check new panel out and submit a question today:

Ask the CF Experts - Blooming Rose Foundation

• I had a small "Welcome to Joshland" T-shirt sale to benefit the Breathe 4 Tomorrow Foundation on my personal Facebook page this past month. I'm still waiting for some money to come in, but so far the results look promising. Keep your fingers crossed. My good friend and fellow CFer, Sarah Morris, is the founder of this non-profit and recently had an article published about her foundation in the June 2011 Edition of Ladies Home Journal and on lhj.com. Check it out here to learn more about her and B4T:

Breathing Easier - One woman turned her own medical crisis into a lifeline for her fellow patients

I've also been raising money for the CF Foundation's Great Strides Walk the last few weeks and so far my team has raised just over $1,000 for the CF Foundation online and I'm sure there will be more to give in person at the walk. You can donate to that walk here if you'd like:

Joshland's J-Walkers Great Strides for the CF Foundation Donation Page

I can say with little hesitation that I'm an exceptional advocate, entertaining and motivating speaker, and a champion of causes of all kinds, but when it comes to putting together actual events for fundraising efforts...well...that's a weak point for me. That's why I wanted to confront this weakness and try my t-shirt fundraiser in a smaller setting. It's been a stressful and slower process than I wanted it to be, but I'm proud to say that I was successful in fundraising for two EQUALLY IMPORTANT non-profits in the CF Community at the same time! It can be done, people. In the midst of all my health issues and other tumultuous stuff happening in the past month, I accomplished something very big. Not to toot my own horn, but..."TOOT, TOOT!"

Thanks to everyone who bought a Joshland Shirt this year. Maybe next year I'll open up the t-shirt sale on my blog. Lord help me...I'm already stressed out. :-) Oh, and thanks to everyone who donated to my CF Walk. Every dollar counts for both of these special organizations.

• The "Moganko For CF Project" has been going really well. The music, the video footage and editing, and the participation of many wonderful families in the CF Community has been amazing thus far. I have to give a special shout out to my cousin Molly and my wife for going above and beyond what they had to do this past month. I wouldn't be where I am with this project without you two. There is still no set launch date for the project yet with all the other things going on in my life, but I promise...when it does launch...IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT FOR EVERYONE IN THE CF COMMUNITY!

That's all for now. See you in a few weeks with a new story!

Peaceful Things and Lots of Love,

Josh

The Ultimate Game Of "Would You Rather?"

On Easter Sunday, one of my youngest cousins was playing the game "Would You Rather?". She threw out the choice of being smacked 15 times by a grizzly bear or being pelted with a full-grown lion. Those were her exact words. I immediately went with the grizzly bear because chances are that one swipe from a grizzly bear claw would be the of end me anyways, thus making the other 14 hits null and void. The image of having a lion tossed at me seemed to be a slow agonizing death full of lots of chewing.

Not a week earlier, I played this same game in solitude. I asked myself: Would you rather have a progressive genetic disease slowly take you down over time or have a healthy life for almost 60 years only to discover you have terminal cancer with little time left to spare? That's what I asked myself when I found out my father had cancer. Incurable and inoperable cancer.

At the initial appointment with the oncologist, I heard him explain all the options and his prognosis for my father. It was a bizarre and unsettling glimpse into the life of all the caretakers I've met whose loved ones have a health concerns or physical issues. It truly is a helpless feeling staring blankly at the CT scan on the computer screen and seeing the damage...everywhere. Having a nauseous feeling drop like a 3 ton boulder into the pit of your stomach because you know there was nothing you could have done to prevent this and all you can do now is work your hardest to give your loved one the best quality of life. You pray to God, fate, or whatever blows your hair back that some kind of miracle will happen and MAYBE a cure will be found. I am highly trained to BE the sick person, not be on the sidelines while someone else is "in the game."

Because asking doctors questions is what I've done my whole life, I retained enough conscious thought to comment on the findings and provide what little insight I could into this whole situation. If I can be perfectly honest though, the rest of my mind was in la-la Joshland.

The first thing I thought was:

"@#$%$#%@!!!"

I was just pissed off. At Cancer. At my father. At the doctor. At the way life works out sometimes. Without getting into great detail, I'll just say that my father and I have had a tumultuous relationship and—while things aren't perfect—I think we're both pretty peaceful about where we are right now. We don't need to have any life-changing conversations or rush through any apologies or awkward phases. Those things happened a few years ago because I didn't want to have regrets or circumstances cloud our words. We can't change what happened in the past...we can only focus on the time we have right now. I love my father and he knows that. He loves me and I know that. That's all that really matters.

Now it's a game of juggling my daily life and health issues while being there for my dad as much as I possibly can. After failing miserably at rearranging my daily routine to attend his first few appointments, my wife and I decided that I needed focus on my own health issues first. I'm still recovering from my recent hospital and home I.V. stint. If I start missing treatments and exposing my already weakened immune system to a hospital setting, then it could be detrimental to my overall well being and create other issues that might prevent me from being with my dad at a more pivotal time. I hate that I have to rank the importance of these appointments because they are ALL important, but that's the reality of the situation. Both of my parents and my wife wholeheartedly agreed.

I won't say anymore about my dad's health because that is his personal business. I can say that things are falling into place and he is doing as well as anyone possibly could be in his situation. Any positive thoughts for him would be greatly appreciated.

I debated whether or not to post this. It's been written in here for about two weeks, sadistically fermenting and staring at me every time I go to write anything new. I finally decided to post it because this blog is my stress reliever. Plus, it will ease the thoughts of those who are concerned for my father and for me. People—particularly in the CF Community—get concerned when someone goes AWOL with little explanation because it usually means bad stuff is happening. So, I'll tell you that things are as peaceful as they can be right now. I'll still be blogging, but there will be shorter posts and they'll be fewer and further in between. With everything going on—day-to-day stuff, my health issues, my dad's situation, the "Moganko For CF" Project (which is going really well, by the way), fund raising, and other miscellaneous stuff—something had to give a little. Turns out it has to be "Joshland" for the time being. Just hang with me, everyone.

I still don't have the answer to my game of "Would You Rather?". I wish this was just one of those hypothetical scenarios that could segway into the choice of being licked to death by adorable kittens or pummeled to death by a million balls of cotton. That an easy one: The kittens...no, no, no...the cotton balls. What about kittens made of cotton balls? Man...this game is hard.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive in the past two weeks. I've really needed it and you came through with flying colors. Love you all very much.

Peaceful Things,

Josh

As A Part Of The "Moganko For CF Project", Here's a Sneak Peak At "Basses Wild"!

As a part of the "Moganko CF Project" or ("Moganko For CF Project" as I should start calling it), I've been working with an amazing group of a cappella singers from the University of Minnesota called "Basses Wild". Without getting too mushy, I will say that these guys are simply awesome—both in talent and in character. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that I was destined to connect with this group of fun-loving, compassionate, hard-working young men. Here is a sneak peak:



Feel free to share this video on Facebook and your blogs. The more anticipation for this project, the better. By the way, please "Like" the Basses Wild Facebook Fan Page today and show some support for a musical group that has gone above and beyond to help me promote CF awareness in the very near future. You'll see what I mean soon enough. :-)

Basses Wild Men's A Cappella Facebook Fan Page

Peaceful and Musical Things,

Josh