Joshland Note: When I created this post I was only going to write about my final thoughts regarding my recent health issues, but then I thought it might be an interesting experience for my readers if I narrated it as well. I AM STILL VERY POSITIVE! THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY! BUT...there are times in life when I need to be a little frustrated. Even though I got my IV PICC line pulled today (YAHOO!), it doesn't change one thing about how I feel or one damn word of this post! Push play on the the video and read along with me if you'd like. THIS IS NOT A VIDEO FOR LITTLE ONES TO WATCH...PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED:
I've been on antibiotics of all shapes and sizes for my entire life and I have to say this: The last month and a half has been the hardest antibiotic stint I've ever been through. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Scrapes, bruises, coughing, and bleeding have been far too common place, particularly these last three weeks. It hurts to move, it aches to sit, and my stomach reached it's antibiotic tolerance level weeks ago. Mal-absorption, missing intestines, and highly concentrated drugs DO NOT play well together. I'm just broken. Sitting up in bed night after night thinking about how much my health has changed in such a short amount of time is baffling. New and unwanted experiences are happening more often than I'd like and while I'm taking it all in stride, I'm not going to lie: I hate it.
I'm not saying that my health is heading downhill at a break neck pace, I'm just saying I'm not the young man that I used to be. I find myself caught in memories of a decade ago when three therapies a day was overkill and the only time I'd EVER wear a mask on a plane was if it was Halloween.
I've been crying...a lot. For myself, for Angie - man, I have no idea how she did it for all those years, and for all the CFers - especially the little kids - who only know this as their DAILY ROUTINE. I'm hurting in places you aren't even supposed to hurt and I've only been on IVs for 3 weeks, so I can't even imagine how they must feel every single day. Suffering is NOT and SHOULD NOT BE a part of anyone's life. Peaceful things to Conner, Skye, and all my other kindred spirits. If I could take it all away, I would .
I'm at my wits end and I'm trying really hard to be brave. For my family, my friends, for Angie, ...and for me. I don't want to be sick anymore. I dislike it with every fiber of my being. The good news is that the bleeding has healed, my fevers are gone, and my body will bounce back. I hope that the extra time I've spent "drugged up" will benefit me and make things better for a long time to come. And yet...I wonder...
But then I think about all the amazing things happening in the CF Community. CFers I know are getting their new lungs after months and months of disappointments and people are happy, healthy, and living their lives in spite of CF. It's the reality of the CF world and it's amazing and frightening all at the same time.
There...I've had my moment to be upset. Sometimes I need to vent my emotions, otherwise I'll explode. I think negativity in small doses is healthy. Whether you are "healthy CFer" but hit a big bump in the road and are frightened, or you are "in-patient" more than you are "out-patient" and are overwhelmed with your life...It's okay to feel that way. Your feelings are YOUR feelings. Never let anyone tell you it's wrong to feel the way you feel. When you're ready to move on, it's important for you to look at the positives in your life, otherwise this disease WILL consume you. We all have our own journey through life. This one is mine and I'm glad this particular part will be over very soon.
Now it's time to make the transition from black and white into color. Time to enjoy the summer, to be outside, to exercise, and to get back into the positive swing of things. Thanks for listening and letting me be honest.